Destruction and devastation as Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog’s dead

by Devon Daly, our dog devotee.

Riot police attempt to deter distraught Derrick fans from destroying Debenhams

Dramatic devastation fuelled by drink, drugs and despair swept across England today as the nation struggled to deal with the news that Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog’s dead.

Derrick – a Dalmatian originally from the Darlington area – was the most popular pet in the UK and was famed for his daredevil deeds. He once dived into the debris left by Hurricane David to drag a drowning donkey back to the banks of the river Dee.

Derrick - the delightful dalmatian devoted and detached to Ken Dodd's dad - is dead

Despite suffering from dermatitis, Derrick had been considered in good health. However, it appears his latest daring designs detached a disc in his spice, meaning he had to be put down.

His owner Darren Dodd – father to delightfully daft TV funnyman Ken – was said to be “devastated, demoralised and despondent”, but was “determined to be dogmatic”.

Destruction kicked off around dinner time today as Prime Minister David Cameron offered to drop off a donation to the Derrick fund, which demonstrators described as “derisory”, leaving them “dumb-founded”.

Debenhams and other department stores were destroyed in areas like Doncaster, Derby, Dagenham, Dudley, Dorking, Dorchester, Dover, Durham, Didsbury and even Dunstable.

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US raises its overdraft limit amid claims about spending habits

by Student Debt Specialist Correspondent Walter Storey, who is just back from a very enjoyable ten-day break in the Bahamas. 

Student country The United States has successfully applied to increase the overdraft on his student account, citing the cost of a top-level education as a compelling reason for approving the rise.

In an impassioned two-hour plea, the US told the Congress of the Bank of America if they pulled the plug on his overdraft facility at this crucial time in his development, he would have to drop out of university and get a job in a seedy strip bar – or even serving at KFC.

Despite opposition from other student age countries such as New Zealand and Canada – who have managed to survive through a combination of loans and part time work – the bank agreed to raise the overdraft limit to $78 trillion in order to make sure the US does not default on next term’s fees.

“Fees are higher for student countries like the US, which is reflected in the larger overdraft limits we permit”, said a Bank of America official.

The US, who has been out on the piss since the bank approved the overdraft extension

“It is true that we only allow New Zealand a $600 dollar overdraft while it is still an undergraduate country, but the education system the US is going through is much, much better and will provide us with significant returns once the country graduates and begins actually earning”, the official added.

The US’s father, the United Kingdom, told reporter, “It is always disappointing when a student has to go cap in hand to the bank in order to continue in the lifestyle he has become accustomed to, but as I’m now retired from empire building, I can no longer fund this ridiculously expensive education. The banks have the answer, although the level of debt being racked up will never be paid off”.

Asked whether the US had brought this on himself through his irresponsible spending habits, the United Kingdom said, “Well look here, we were all young and foolish once. I made some terrible investments in the Far East during my student days and the US is going to have to learn the hard way that you can only spend what you bring in”.

Neighbouring student Canada was less impressed with today’s Bank of America action. Visibly seething and slightly frothing at the mouth, he told us, “This is absolutely fucking ridiculous. I have always spent within my means and actually turned up to all my classes these first two years of university. I asked around and none of the other student countries have even seen the US at a single lecture or tutorial”.

“We shouldn’t reward failure – he should be made to go work for a living like those young African countries. And he’s always hanging out with Israel, who I’m convinced is up to no good at all”, Canada added.

He continued, “It appears the US and Israel have just been out partying and fighting the young working countries – we don’t see any signs of learning taking place and I suspect they’re both a bit thick. Neither of them have adapted to university life as they can’t get out of the school bully mindset.

“They’ve obviously spent their student loans and overdrafts on booze, drugs, hookers and weapons. The only clubbing I do in Canada is seal clubbing”, he noted.

Despite several requests, the US was unavailable for comment. However, The Rumour Mule understands he has been out all day spanking the new overdraft, starting fights with foreign workmen and may already be elbow deep in a Thai prostitute.

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Tories give NHS to Murdoch while nobody is looking

by Walter Storey, the hack who doesn’t hack

David Cameron has used this week’s global death chaos to push through a deal giving controversial media mogul Rupert Murdoch the entire NHS for free as part of the latest set of cost-cutting measures, The Rumour Mule has learned tonight.

A very quietly-spoken Downing Street official confirmed the rumour around 8pm tonight, while the Prime Minister suggested the move has been conducted under the table as the nation’s attention is directed elsewhere.

David Cameron: "Thumbs up to doing whatever the fuck we want this weekend"

With Murdoch’s media empire potentially in tatters – and his son set for a stretch at Her Majesty’s pleasure – the Prime Minister was keen to help his old ally in return for securing his election result via last year’s concerted propaganda campaign by News International titles.

While the UK mourns the death of Amy Winehouse and retains vague memories of the 100+ people killed in Norway, Murdoch’s stock has risen again as the nation attempts to remember what the News of the World story was all about.

A MORI poll conducted for The Rumour Mule asked members of the public if they could remember the key points of last week’s hacking scandal. The results showed that 78.3% of the UK population thought it was probably something to do with David Beckham being sent off in a pre-season friendly.

Set against this backdrop of distraction and wilful amnesia, David Cameron and Health Secretary Andrew Lansley have taken their opportunity to get the NHS off their balance sheets and safely into the private sector.

With Cameron’s close ties to News International and parent company News Corporation, Murdoch was considered to be the ideal candidate to take over the running of the UK’s health service.

Part of his efficiency plans include listening to the voicemails of patients in order to make more accurate diagnoses and to assess whether they may actually have perfectly good beds at home they could use, instead of clogging up the soon to be dwindling spaces in local hospitals.

Rebekah Brooks has this evening been in talks about the position of Chief Medical Officer, with our Downing Street source claiming the deal would be done long before people stopped crying about the loss of Marlboro-voiced songstress Winehouse.

Chief Medical Officer Rebekah Brooks

“Rebekah Brooks has significant experience in this sector, and right up until this evening she was helping her friend Amy Winehouse with her medication. That fact that the singer died around 30 minutes after Ms Brooks left the flat clearly shows how vital her presence is to the continued health and well-being of individuals in the UK”, the source told us.

It is thought around 200 former News of the World workers will be placed into new positions in the now privatised health sector, with most finding work in a new efficiency drive taking place.

Mr Murdoch and Ms Brooks have identified the volume of paperwork within the old NHS as being the most obvious place to make time-savings, so the former journalists will be employed in paperwork roles and will streamline the whole operation by using their previously redundant shorthand skills.

When pressed for comment this evening, the Prime Minister told reporters, “Basically, today is a day we can push through any old shit, so we thought we’d get rid of the horrible old beast that is the NHS. Nobody is looking anyway, so right now we are fucking untouchable”.

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Rogue builders ‘tarmac Sir Ian Wood’s garden’

by Walter Storey and Alison Partridge

Controversial Aberdeen millionaire Sir Ian Wood received a nasty surprise upon returning from a three-week holiday in the Bahamas – rogue builders had accidentally covered his entire garden in Tarmac.

Sir Ian – Chairman of The Wood Group – arrived back at his 4.8 acre country residence early this morning to find his plans for a new driveway had been expanded without his knowledge.

Sir Ian Wood, unless the question involves tarmac in his garden, in which case he wouldn't

The philanthropist – who suffers from a form of acute megalomania – had left instructions with a group of Lithuanian builders to resurface his mile-long drive, so he could get his fleet of armoured hummers to exit the property without undue damage to their poorly-designed American suspension systems.

However, it was suspension of disbelief that was required when Sir Ian arrived back at the property, as his entire garden had been covered two feet deep with Tarmacadam. The garden contained around 3 acres of prime grassland and many species of valuable flora.

“We are disgusted at the wilful negligence that has led to the destruction of one of the city’s most precious and beautiful green spaces”, Wood told reporters gathered outside his armoured front gates.

“I just don’t understand why they bothered asking us what we wanted if they were just going to go ahead and do what they thought was best”, he added.

Over the years, Sir Ian Wood has been recognised for his financial support given to many charitable groups, which is in no way linked to the many tax breaks such donations generate.

He was awarded a CBE in 1982 and was knighted in 1994, but has courted controversy with his comments on the role of the public at large in the decision-making processes of a successful democracy.

Previously, Sir Ian went on record with the following comment: “I used to believe in a democratic system but really if you look at the results yielded by democracy you realise most people don’t know what they are talking about. A select few should make informed decisions for the masses. I am willing to do the selecting”.

Clearly his vision has now come to fruition, with the builders deciding amongst themselves what was best for the property and declining to involve the people who actually use the gardens – Sir Ian and his family – in the decision-making process. When Sir Ian surveyed his family, 55% said they were firmly opposed to the concreting-over of the green space – although this has now counted for little.

Blowing his own Trumpet - Sir Donald backed fellow Scotchlanders

Fellow rich-man Donald Trump took time out from chasing his hair around a golf course to tell reporters he felt Sir Ian had brought the disaster upon himself.

“Well, when you hire cheap foreign contractors to do a job that should have been done by my solid, trustworthy fellow Scotch people, you take a risk. The builders obviously had a language problem and didn’t understand the brief, so they improvised. Good on them”, said Trump.

The government of Lithuania has offered £50m to help restore the gardens to their previous natural beauty, which is in no way connected to oil and engineering contracts in the Baltic state.

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Thursday’s NEWS…in brief

by all-round top journalist Walter Storey

LOCAL NEWS: Local man complains about ‘lack of local news’

A local man has brought his case to the Press Complaints Commission, upset at the lack of local news which is actually local to his local area.

A fruit corner, bought from a local shop in a local area

Inside his case were two ham sandwiches, a Muller Fruit Corner (Strawberry) and copies of his local newspaper from the last 15 years, which he says contain absolutely no news which is in any way local to his locale.

The dishevelled and slightly disconcerted man, who apparently lives 30 miles from his nearest neighbour, is thought to be local to somewhere, meaning this article contributes to our legally required quota of local news. For this we thank him.

LOCAL NEWS: Local dead man ‘has not been named’

Police today revealed the extraordinary news that a local dead man found dead in his flat on a council estate ‘has not been named’.

This remarkable statement came during a press conference this afternoon, with police only saying the man was 42 years old and local to the area.

An artist's impression of how a dead local man without a name may look

It is unclear how someone could get to the age of 42 without having a name, especially given the fact he was renting a council flat. Police say they hope to name him in the coming days, once relatives have been informed. These relatives may be hard to track down though, as they may also not have names.

One neighbour told us, “Not much point in giving him a name now is there? The man’s already dead for Christ’s sake. And why do the police get to give him a name? I had a name for him – Junkie Bastardface”.

SPORT: ‘New Gazza’ found unconscious in park

A prodigious young Rangers star dubbed by the increasingly sycophantic and desperate Scottish football press as “The New Gazza” was last night found unconscious in a Glasgow park.

Tony ‘Proddy’ McKenzie, 16 from Coatbridge, was spotted by local jakies with urine all over his club issue tracksuit bottoms and vomit smeared across his face. He was lying next to an empty KFC bucket, 17 empty cans of lager and a fishing rod with some bait.

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New season of 24 to go ahead ‘without bad guys’

The Fox Network has announced plans to complete a ninth series of hit show 24, despite the fact there are now no bad guys left in the world.

Kiefer Sutherland will reprise the role of super-agent Jack Bauer in the real time drama, but the tone will be different from the previous eight instalments.

The new season of 24 is expected to expose the everyday habits of Jack Bauer in painfully banal real time

At the end of series eight, Bauer’s Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) achieved its aim of eliminating all the suspicious-looking foreign types in the entire world, meaning the new series is set to concentrate more on the character’s life away from his work.

The US broadcaster had released a sneak-peak of the new show, which has been seen by The Rumour Mule. Episode one begins at midnight on a quiet Tuesday, sticking with the real-time set-up of the show’s predecessors. Bauer is seen dressed in a bath robe, making a cup of hot chocolate before bedtime.

A first hint at the drama to follow comes when the show’s hero accidentally spills some of his hot drink on the kitchen counter, before fetching a cloth and spending the next 42 seconds wiping away the brown mess with a calm and controlled hand.

With the writers ever aware of the publicity brought by a compelling sex scene, Sutherland’s character then finishes his drink and heads off for some much needed sleep – but not before masturbating furiously into a sock which was lying tantalisingly close to the bed, all done through a stylish 3 minute montage set to a Barry White soundtrack.

Although the shock and awe tactics of the first ten minutes may be too much for more delicate viewers, there is a chance to recover as Bauer spends the next seven and a half episodes peacefully sleeping in his darkened bedroom.

“We understand that our fans may be expecting a little more in the way of action, explosions and fighting, but with this series we really get to know Jack intimately, in a way we couldn’t have done before, when all those nasty rag-heads needed killing,” said the show’s co-writer Robert Cochran.

“Kiefer has been really involved in the character development this time round and has brought a lot of touches from his own life into the role, not least in episode 8 where Bauer has to go out and fetch some milk before he can eat his breakfast cereal”, he added.

Fans of the show will be stunned to see how Bauer's personal hygiene regime falls apart when there is no crisis happening

Joel Surnow, the show’s other creator, told us the shooting of the new series has created a totally different atmosphere amongst the crew.

“This is definitely the dark, gritty side to Jack and it has made for a much more sombre atmosphere with the guys. At one point in episode 13 Bauer gets reasonably angry with his postman, as he delivers the mail a bit later than usual. We’re really making the audience question whether Jack is the person they thought he was. Some may not even like him anymore”, he told us.

“It’s about creating something real. It’s frankly ridiculous that someone could keep having the crazy adventures which last exactly 24 hours. What we have now is much more real – something the audience can relate to. I mean, Jack might be a crime-fighting hero, but he has to remember to take his washing out the machine just like everybody else. Otherwise his clothes would smell a bit off, which is exactly what would happen to any of us”, Surnow revealed.

It remains to be seen if the new Jack Bauer is as compelling for fans of the franchise, but Fox execs have high hopes the new series will appeal to a much broader target market, which is basically anyone who does normal stuff like sleeping and occasionally taking a shower.

24 Season 9 is expected to hit US screens this December and will be available via illegal download 15 minutes before filming wraps on the second last episode.

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Jordan’s breasts ‘to pursue solo projects’

by Walter Storey, our Celebrity Breast Chief Correspondent

The world of celebrity tittle-tattle was aroused from its slumber this morning to the news that Jordan’s breasts – cruelly nicknamed by the gutter press as Droopy and Perky – are sensationally set to split.

Speaking on behalf of Perky – the left breast – publicist Max Clifford announced the news via an online press conference – but was keen to dismiss rumours of a rift over image rights.

Perky apparently felt she was outgrowing her right counterpart and moving in a different direction, highlighting the need to pursue solo projects away from her long-term right-sided partner.

Jordan has been desperately trying to prevent the split

Last Thursday Droopy – the right breast – was seen out in public alone for the first time and sources close to the bouncers at Spearmint Rhino claim they ejected the lone bosom from the club for lewd and libidinous behaviour in the gents toilets.

“The time has undoubtedly come for this particular pair to go their separate ways – the split is not acrimonious, but it would be a lie to suggest that there has not been a force coming between them, repeatedly and forcefully, over the years”, Clifford told the news media.

Despite working together closely since 2005, it is thought the pair were finally pushed apart by Alex Reid’s explosive column, which recently appeared in the Daily Sport newspaper publication. The contents of this column cannot be discussed on this site due to our high standards of taste and decency.

Pseudo-celebrity Jordan – who has frequently failed to re-brand herself as Katie Price – was not available for comment on the impending parting, but reliable reports place her around London’s Harley Street this afternoon, desperately seeking two well-matched replacements.

In a further development, Clifford went on to explain to the online audience that Perky has simply outgrown her bosom buddy and had been inundated with requests for TV and film work.

“Perky will come out of this relationship well. She has already been auditioned to play one of the two lead roles in the forthcoming Francis Ford Coppola war epic One Hell of Iraq”, he explained.

The Rumour Mule understands the TV work offered to Perky includes reprising Ross Kemp’s roll as Grant Mitchell in Eastenders. Producers of the show are said to be open to different actors playing the same role, sometimes in the same episode.

Later this evening, Droppy hit back on the split, saying on 140-character dumb-down site Twitter it was “my choice”, brought about by her new media roles, which allegedly include being the face of Mrs Wayne Rooney’s new cosmetics firm – ColeenGen.

One Hell of Iraq is due to hit our screens next summer, with Patrick Stewart lining up alongside Perky in the co-lead role.

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