Andy Murray ‘could lose British citizenship’

Only two days after achieving British citizenship for the first time, Andy Murray could have it taken away, should he lose in tomorrow’s Wimbledon tennis final.

After defeating Jo-Wilfred Tsonga in 4 tough sets on Friday, Scotland’s Andy Murray became Britain’s Andy Murray, in order to allow English tennis fans to claim him as the first Brit to make the men’s final since 1938.

However, The Rumour Mule has learned from a Home Office contact that should he lose, Murray will be kicked out of England and sent back to Dunblane without his British status.

Murray has endured something of a mixed relationship with Wimbledon crowds over the years as they cheer his winning shots but quickly lose interest if he places a simple forehand slice volley in the net.

He has found it particularly difficult to win over the hardcore element of the Wimbledon crowd, which is made up of gin-soaked middle class Tim Henman fans who missed the obvious humour in his previous “Anyone but England” jibe, as the Daily Mail deliberately failed to explain the context of the joke.

But since Friday’s win, Murray has been the darling of the chattering classes, who have torn themselves away from their strawberries long enough to shout “C’mon Tim”, before realising their mistake and muttering a muffled “I mean Andy” while spraying cream directly into their overfed faces.

However, Murray’s status as a Brit is only safe until 2pm tomorrow, when he steps out on Centre Court, in front of his new royal leaders, to face Swiss legend Roger Federer.

It is expected that losing the first set will trigger a clamour of activity in Whitehall, as the extradition papers are prepared and loaded into the fax machine. Should Murray go a break down in the second, the area code for Dunblane will be entered and as Federer goes two sets up, the full number will be entered.

This will be followed by pessimistic Home Office officials looking at each other, saying “Fuck it, that Jock’s a gonner” and hitting send.

This will lead to immigration officials entering the centre court arena to deport the Scot, in front of a bemused Federer, who will be awarded the win by default. Murray will not be allowed to enter England to pick up his runner-up cheque, which will instead be used to fund a new Tim Henman gift shop and museum at the All England Club.

Opinion was mixed amongst the glory-starved union jack waving toffs, with one woman interrupting swigs of Bombay Sapphire to say, “Well, he’s got this far, so we should give him a chance. But if he loses, we should send him back to Syria or wherever the hell he came from”.

Murray was tight-lipped on the affair during tonight’s press conference, saying only, “I’m proud to be a sweaty sock (jock) who is allowed to represent Britain. The extra support will be vital”.

Asked what has made the difference this year, Murray said, “It’s been the sponsorship I’ve received from Viagra, without whom I would never have achieved anything more than a semi”.

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