The first ever musical based entirely on an utterly, totally, compellingly factual religious text is set to launch in London’s West End next month, thanks to the tireless work of Ben Elton and the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.
Religious aficionados from across the US have been galvanised into mutual touching and utter delight after it was revealed the script for Book of Mormon: The Musical was found buried somewhere on a hill in New York.
Some see it as a staggering coincidence, but the original Book of Mormon – which is clearly the additional chapters from the bible which condone racism and make polygamy commonplace – were actually found in an adjacent site in March 1930 by Joseph Smith Jr, who also coincidentally happened to be a convicted fraudster.
Smith, founding father of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints, was of course a wildly mis-understood character who managed to put his gold-rush fraud convictions behind him to form a credible religion, now based in Utah, which happens to be in possession of the long-lost chapters from the bible, which somehow seemed to be written on golden scrolls and buried somewhere inside New York, as unlikely as that may seem.
The script for the stunning new musical also contains tablature for piano, lead guitar, bass guitar and several drum samples, despite the fact that these instruments could not have possibly been around at the time the bible was written. This of course only proves how advanced the Mormon followers were, as they predicted musical instruments which were many hundreds of years away.
Among the hit songs in the script contained in the buried scrolls are the blockbuster “My momma and my sister are one sexy woman” and the future number one “God turned my skin black ’cause I done bad”. These tracks had to be translated by Ben Elton in a top secret location with no witnesses and only one scribe.
At one stage, Ben Elton’s wife became so frustrated at the amount of time he was spending on the project that she destroyed the entire script for the show. The translation from the golden scrolls had to start again and although Elton appeared to tell a slightly different story the second time round, this was apparently due to the difficulties of reading the original typeface, and was in no way due to the fact he was making this shit up as he went along.
“It obviously seems outrageous on the face of it, that the best musical ever written could have been buried in New York for two thousand years, but I’m just delighted it has been found and this untold but vital version of the bible is now going to reach a worldwide audience”, Elton said.
“It’s a story with many different versions, but we are now sure this is the utterly truthful account and it makes all other bibles and musicals completely pointless”, he added.
Press coverage is set to reach fever pitch as Elton adds millions of pounds to his bank balance through the venture, but he insists the cause is noble.
“I am just the guy who found the script buried in the ground in New York. What was I supposed to do – not tell the story? That would be insane. The golden scrolls with this staggeringly good musical imprinted upon them were placed there for me and I am duty bound to tell this tale”, said Elton.
‘Book of Mormon: The Musical’ opens in London’s West End this October and tickets will be available via a sweet door-to-door service provided by naive virgins from Utah who are compelled to spend a year abroad spreading the good word about Ben Elton’s career before they inevitably disappear into a family of 45 random uncles, brothers and cousins based in a log cabin somewhere with electric razor-wire round the house and landmines in the garden.